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The term superhighway doesn't really apply to The Internet (at least
right now it doesn't), and here are a few of the reasons why:
* Real superhighways are interstate roads designed to provide a
method of rapid transit of goods and products from point to point,
as well as providing a high speed path for travellers that
insulates them from the surrounding countryside.
The Internet provides the user the ability to wander about and get lost in
a multitude of little backroads and byways. It's also a great way to beat
the post office out of 29 cents for mail.
* Real superhighways connect population centers with efficient
highspeed roads, and remote locations via bumpy, dangerous rural
farm roads.
The Internet connects all places with bumpy, dangerous rural farm roads.
* There are speed limits on real superhighways which free car makers
from the responsibilty and cost of building automobiles that are
sturdy enough to handle higher speeds.
There are speed limits on the Internet imposed by phone companies so they
can charge you more to support comm gear that is sturdy enough to attain
higher speeds.
* On a real superhighway, you and your sister sing "99 Bottles of
Beer on the Wall" until your dad reaches over the back seat and
whomps you one.
On The Internet, you and your coworker play NetTrek and XSokoban until your
wife (or husband) reaches over the monitor and whomps you one.
* There are real superhighway cops that exercise state-by-state
jurisdiction, and realize that out-of-state tags represent a
guaranteed golden-egg-laying goose that will never appear in court
to contest charges.
Internet cops don't know what state they're in; assume that you're guilty;
confiscate all your computer equipment and hold it until the next ice age;
then you have to take them to court to get all your stuff back.
* You cannot operate non-motorized vehicles, carts, mopeds, or
animal-drawn vehicles on real superhighways.
Um, yeah... Sure, whatever.
* Real superhighways do not have toll booths (the New Jersey
Turnpike is not a "superhighway"; it is an expensive tour of some
maniac's pothole collection).
Everything on The Internet is going to cost you, somehow.
* Real superhighways are funded by the state, and are supported
through state taxes, automobile registration fees, and fines
resulting from abuse of the superhighway.
The Internet is funded by... Hmmm, good point, who is paying for The
Internet?
* You are not allowed to consume alcohol while traversing real
superhighways.
If you read most of the traffic on The Internet, you would assume that most
of the authors have consumed alcohol recently.
* You need a license to drive on a real superhighway.
Any damn fool can drive on The Internet.
* Middle-aged, balding men cruise around real superhighways in fancy
souped-up convertible sports cars trying to pick up college babes.
Middle-aged, balding men cruise around The Internet in fancy souped-up
486's trying to pick up highschool boys.
* Real superhighways are prone to congestion, which causes driver's
heads to explode messily, obscuring the passenger's view of the
impending crash.
The Internet is prone to congestion as well, but since we all use machines
that are capable of multitasking, we can always go play XTank while we wait
for our connections to go through, right?
* You can be mortally wounded in drive-by-shootings on real
superhighways.
The Internet could benefit from a few well well-timed drive-by shootings.
* Really bad accidents involving tractor trailers and motorcycles
occur on real superhighways.
Really bad accidents involving people that meet through computers occur on
The Internet.
* Rest stops are too far apart on real superhighways.
Developers, build in hell.
* The price of gasoline is inversly proportional to it's distance
from the real superhighway.
Electricity is cheap.
* When your car breaks down on the real superhighway, sometimes you
can call AAA, but mostly you have to walk 5 miles to the next exit
and pay a guy with bad teeth named "Bubba" a bunch of money for a
fan belt and a distributor cap.
When your computer breaks down on The Internet, sometimes you can figure it
out yourself, but mostly you have to drive 25 miles to the nearest CompUSA
and pay a guy with a pocket protector named "Melvin" an obscene amount of
money for some technogizmological device.
* Police on Real superhighways look for people that fit "profiles".
The police on The Internet think everybody fits their profile.
* Many small animals die needless deaths on real superhighways.
The Internet uses no animal testing or animal-by-products in the execution
of its duties. But they are tasty.
* Vehicles that do not meet specific standards of safety and
emissions control are not allowed on real superhighways.
There are an abundance of unsafe emissions originating from individuals on
The Internet.
* You must be at least 16 to drive on a real superhighway.
The Internet will allow anybody on.
* Real superhighways do not go to everybody's front door.
The Internet will eventually cause your house to be bulldozed in order that
a Internet Bypass may be run through your neighborhood. Notice of intent
will be posted on the Agronomy Web Server at the University of Guam.
* It's no fun living right next to a real superhighway.
Life on The Internet is all happiness and light. We should strive to spend
all of our time involved in digital interaction, and shun physical contact
with other human beings. Naught!
* Real superhighways are rarely closed, but when they are, the
detours sometimes take you through some truely beautiful places.
Other times, you go through hell itself.
There are no Internet sites in the .hell.gov domain.
* On real superhighways, diligent road crews insure that potholes
never get so large that they can make tour buses full of retirees
from Minnesota dissappear.
On The Internet, hardware blames software, and vice versa. Potholes just
get routed around.
* There are large, gaudy billboards on the side of real
superhighways that strive to inform you that it's only 47 more
miles to Stuckey's Resturant and Taffy Shop, or that Pete's
Reptile World (21 miles on the left) is the home of the rare
albino tree frog.
There is no advertising on The Internet.
* Most real superhighways were built in a time when a bunch of
people were out of jobs, and building roads seemed like a good way
to keep them from drinking and making more babies.
With the proliferation of .gif sites and home-brew guides available on The
Internet, the opposite is bound to occur.
* You can give somebody the old "one-finger-salute" if they cut you
off on the real superhighway and then drive like hell so you don't
get shot.
When somebody cuts you off on The Internet, you can give them the finger
too. It will tell you who they are, where they live, what they do for a
living; all kinds of neat information. Then you can go to their house and
slash their tires.
_________________________________________________________________
This service is maintained (and copyrighted, 1994) by:
Jim Dethlefsen Internet: dethlejd@galt.osd.mil
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