Archive-name: stupidity/FAQ Posting-frequency: bi-weekly Last-modified: 9-Jan-1995 Version: 1.1c alt.stupidity FAQ v1.1c Created: 9/18/94, a day that will live in infamy ==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-== "Stupid is as stupid does." - Forrest Gump "and bacon." - alt.stupidity CONTENTS 1. Introduction 2. Some questions and some answers 3. Some more questions and some more answers 4. Some more questions and even some more answers 5. Fun with Mr. Q&A 6. Special CD bonus tracks not featured in film * denotes anything added in Version 1.1c. ==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-== WELCOME TO alt.stupidity!! You can read along with me in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when R2D2 chirps like this: "bleep!" Now, let's begin. This FAQ fails miserably in a pathetic attempt to explain to those just tuning in or those already tuning out the brilliance and fun of alt.stupidity. It also attempts to amuse, but since the notion of amusement is purely judgemental, it cannot self-critique itself in this manner. (Suffice to say the FAQ cannot be amused by anything since it is a simple document and does not possess the ability to experience ANY sort of emotion. Kinda like Data on Star Trek.) * That's Star Trek, the Next Generation. Anyway, it's a wonderful waste of bandwidth and the only real attempt to make alt.stupidity seem like a legitimate newsfroup, which, of course, it already is. Now that you know, let's move on. 1. SOME QUESTIONS AND SOME ANSWERS. Q: What is alt.stupidity? A: It's a newsgroup. Q: What is a newsgroup? A: It's one of those things on Usenet where you read stuff and post stuff. Q: What is Usenet? A: Uh... it's this ... well, it's kinda like a bunch of people sitting in a room screaming at each other, but... DON'T YOU HAVE BETTER QUESTIONS TO ASK, PAL? Q: Okay, okay, so I got bit general there. But really, what _IS_ alt.stupidity? A: It's a newsfroup. Q: Here we go again. What's a newsfroup? A: It's a typo. Blame/worship (l)Laura for it. One slip of the finger and she's immor(t)alized forever. Q: That I can handle. So, what's the point of alt.stupidity? A: Don't you see it? Right between the "alt" and "stupidity". Q: Lemme rephrase that. What's the PURPOSE of alt.stupidity? And don't make any dolphin jokes. A: Don't worry, alt.stupidity is a dolphin-safe newsfroup. The purpose of alt.stupidity is to show the world that there are still truly stupid people left. While some of this is rather self-evident as of late, some of us need more facts than others. Most people who read alt.stupidity are there for the intellectual conversation and the witty repartee of their peers. While being stupid isn't a prerequisite for this newsfroup, it certainly helps you get in past the maitre'd. Q: Is there a charter for alt.stupidity? A: The charter of alt.stupidity is to provide a forum for those who take a distictly unnatural and prurient interest in rug- making, stitchery, and other handicrafts. The froup is unmoderated; vituperation is open to all. Q: No, really. What's the charter? A: If there was a formal charter for the newsfroup at the time of its creation, we don't have access to it at the moment. Can anyone help? Q: What's the official Usenet description? A: alt.stupidity Discussion about stupid newsgroups. Q: That's worse than Chris Farley's sweat socks. Is there any way we can change that?! * A: Well, we wish. It would take a lot of hard work by sysadmins everywhere to change the description should someone play with newgroup messages, but one can still dream... Q: ... A: That's a very beautiful ellipsis there. Q: Thanks. So, what belongs in the newsfroup? A: Just about anything! People find stupid posts from other newsgroups and re-post them in alt.stupidity, sometimes making it the Bastard Son of alt.humor.best-of-usenet. Others bring entire threads to the newsfroup, citing the rule that "if a thread becomes too stupid, cross-posting to alt.stupidity is nigh-inevitable." And still others start stupid, yet stimulating conversations alone on the newsfroup. mrl6a@uvacs.cs.Virginia.EDU (Miss Manners) has this to say about etiquette on the froup: Here are some etiquette reminders that will help us all to make the froup an even more inane place: -- When posting, please use @'s for a's, 3's for e's, |'s for i's, and 0's for o's. [ Editor's note: This man is lying. ] -- Please try to work the topic of chipmunk idolatry into the discussion whenever possible. [Editor's note: This man may be lying.] -- The readers of this froup are really quite daft; you can make a lot of money off of them (a la MAKE.MONEY.FAST) if you try. Please post as many chain letters, pyramid schemes, and 3-card monty games as you like. [ Editor's note: This man is obviously lying. ] -- If you know of any good "Song Lyrics from Hell," be sure to post them here. Also, please make sure you cross-post them to alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.rock-n-roll, and rec.arts.marching.drumcorps. [ Editor's note: Yup, he's piling it on higher and deeper. ] -- This is not a garbage, so please, please, please do not thow it out lest you consider yourself fucked up. [ Editor's note: Uh, yeah. ] Q: So what really doesn't belong here? A: Flame wars, especially flame wars occuring in/between one/two/n entirely different newsgroups. While they ARE stupid, they have no reason existing on alt.stupidity, simply because of the fact that since ignorance is bliss, those who flame must be in the know, and that's not good. Also, alt.stupidity does not like commercial advertising, because even though THAT'S stupid we would never sink so low. Of course, one may re-post a stupid ad to alt.stupidity, providing he/she follows the Rule of Stupid Reposts. Q: What IS the Rule of Stupid Reposts? A: The Rule of Stupid Reposts states that "If one is to repost or crosspost a stupid article, one/he/she/it/them/they/us/rufus xavier sasparilla must only quote the part of that the article that one/he/she/it/them /they/us/that kangaroo girl feels is sufficiently stupid, and also must include a witty, pithy, or silly saying at the bottom of the quote-repost-crosspost making light of said silly article, unless said silly article is sufficiently stupid enough so not as to warrant a comment, in which case a comment isn't necessary but really really REALLY encouraged stop." Q: Uh, okay. Why? A: That way alt.stupidity doesn't REALLY become the Bastard Son of alt.humor.best-of-usenet, and it keeps the Quote-500-Lines-And-Add-1 stuff to a minimum. * Q: Hey, some of us have fascist inews readers. What about us? * A: Time to get a new reader, I guess. Q: Hey, I'm kinda sick of typing alt.stupidity all the time. It's becoming so that when I look at the phrase, it looks weird to me. Can I just be cool and abbreviate it to 'a.s'? A: No. Q: Why not? A: Because then you'd confuse alt.stupidity with alt.sex, or alt.spork, or even alt.shiskabob, because they all follow the "a.s" format. 2. SOME MORE QUESTIONS AND SOME MORE ANSWERS Q: Ok, what's with all this "bacon" stuff? A: *gasp You mean you DON'T KNOW?! Q: Of course I don't, cause if I did, I wouldn't have asked. A: Please state that in the form of a question. Q: Oh. Why would I have asked if I had already known? A: For fun? Ok, here's the poop on the "bacon" bits. "And bacon" started out as a phrase on a comedy tape known as _Wannabe Radio_ and was transferred over to alt.stupidity as a way of helping control a massive alt.bigfoot - soc.culture.norweigan (we think) flamewar that had blundered its way into the humble newsfroup. Used almost extensively by Spatch, its meaning is translated somewhat into "whatever." only it's sillier, and was posted as a follow-up to almost every damned article in the thread. Meanwhile, bacon has become the staple foodstuff of many an alt.stupidian (even if it's made of soy) and the fun and games derived from it definitely lived up to the unofficial unaccepted nobody-knows-but-the-FAQ-guy alt.stupidity motto. Q: Which is....? A: If you can't beat 'em, confuse the hell out of them. * Q: Who are the Bacon Sandwiches? * A: alt.stupidity's STUPIDEST BAND! * Q: Is there any way I can find more information about the Bacon Sandwiches? * A: What, do you not know entertainment from a poke in the ear with a sharp stick? There is a Bacon Sandwiches FAQ floating somewhere around alt.stupidity, perhaps if Jason Nafziger, the Keeper of the BSFAQ could be so kind as to either send it to Spatch for tooling or post it himself... Q: Complete this phrase: Die, _________ bastard. A: Most appropriately, "capybara". Q: What about some other land-based rodentlike mammal? A: That was only during the "Die, _____ Bastard" game, also played in an attempt to stave off the Big Flamewar of '94. Instead of responding "and bacon." to everything, you'd respond with a different land-based rodentlike mammal every time. Q: What about the "name a silly vegetable" game played in alt.shenanigans a few months ago? Was this started by someone from alt.stupidity? A: Not as far as we know, and it probably wasn't; that game was ruined by too many follow-ups by too many people and TOO MANY DAMN MISSPELLINGS OF "RUTABAGA". Q: What are some other accomplishments alt.stupidity has achieved? Well, there was the "Disassociation" cascade a year ago, but it is still not known from whence that originated, but most of the alt.stupidity regulars at that time contributed greatly to its propagation. Whenever a "HAHAHAHA SO-AND-SO IS DEAD" message is sent by our friend Joe Six-Pack it is almost always brought to alt.stupidity's attention, where it is then set upon like sharks attracted to fresh blood, confusing and bewildering those attempting to flame. As stupid as the "Song Lyrics from Hell" thread may have been, alt.stupidity has been trying to disavow any knowledge of its origins, due to the ire of both the rec.music.dementia and the Dave Barry hordes. Q: What are the first three lines to the Disassociation cascade? A: >>>marlinspike. >>ballyhoo. >calvinball. Q: Is this archived anywhere? * A: God, we hope not. Q: Is there an Official Drink of alt.stupidity? A: Yes, the TRUE YETI. Simply mix equal parts of Everclear, Black Death Vodka, Mad Dog (whatever flavour you find the least revolting), Coke II, Jaegermeister, Rockadile Red Kool-Aid and one Fizzy into a very large mug shaped like (l)Laura's bottom. (DISCLAIMER: I am in no means insinuating that (l)Laura's bottom is very large. I suggest that if you try this you will find that (l)Laura's bottom is to scale.) If you drink all of this in under 5 minutes then you, too, will be able to see TRUE YETI, though the next thing you see will either be the floor or the ceiling. Q: Why either the floor or the ceiling? A: Depends on what direction you like to collapse. Q: What was with that "Adam Curry" cascade a while back? A: Our own mutating friend mrl6a, Agent from the planet Zoink, had a good laugh and went his merry way. However, a mean letter from the REAL Mr. Curry, who apparently did not laugh, soon proved him wrong. Q: So, who are some of the intriguing and illuminating people I'll find on alt.stupidity? A: Illuminating? Wrong newsgroup, pal! Q: Sorry. Who might I see on alt.stupidity? A: Easy. Here's a small sampling: (what follows is a standard part of most every FAQ where they list all the really cool elite people and all the major injokes of the newsgroup, making the average reader feel totally out of place and not even remotely in the same clique as the super-cool people mentioned. Please don't feel this way. We are all-inclusive. We want you(r soul). We like you(r soul). These are only the people whose repeated contributions and insights have made them easily recognizable on alt.stupidity instead of some freshman with a new student computer account posting "huh this is stupid." If you join us maybe you, too will someday be on this list we call) THE ALT.STUPIDITY HALL OF SEMI-MAYBE FAME * (Note: If you really don't want to be bothered by the mindless * self-indulgent prattle, you may merely use the 'search for' function of * your newsreader and skip to @#@. That's @#@ and it will take you directly * to the next section with a stopover in Twin Falls.) * If you're reading this in html format, you can just do this and skip over. John Cormac Davis. Lives somewhere in Wales, we think. Never ever ever did a thing about the weather, cause the weather never ever did a thing for him. John Patrick Lodder. Not to be confused with JCD above. May or may not have been responsible for Alternating Current. Could be persuaded to sing "In A Spanish Melon" on a good day. (l)Laura Zurawski. Her eyes are like holes in blankets, but only if they're made of soy. In her spare time she likes to fool around with plants. Matthew McIntyre. From somewhere in Senegal or Singapore. The father of the Stupid Reposts. Also Spatch's son. Or something. Spatch. That "bacon" guy and author of the FAQ. Has never been seen in public without at least one epidermal layer. Killed by a rabid venomous tufted titmouse, 1877. mrl6a. Our Agent from Wherever with the Mutating Name. We don't know his real name but he probably works with the same secret detective agency that Inspector Gadget works at. Chelsea Clinton. An anonymous poster who we haven't heard from lately, which may be for the better. Not to be confused with Urethra Franklin. Buxton the Bluuuuue Cat. That's 5 u's, I counted. Has a real cool ASCII .sig of what is presumably a bluuuuue cat. Once ate his entire weight in marmalade. Paula Freeman. Freelance stupidologist who frequently accents her posts with crossposts from alt.flame, where she is usually engaged in either disproving her sexual reputation or tarnishing someone else's. Hates chipmunks. Tortess. Somehow always manages to disconnect after each post of hers. Forged the astounding 1926 picture of Elvis and * the Loch Ness Monster. May be res-vera@phantom.com, or vice-versa. * Keylime. Once a savant, now something else, Keylime is the epitome * of starch-based binding polymers. Buy one, get one free this week * only at your neighborhood Shop & Stuff. * Bill Wilkinson. Cloned somewhere in the shadows. Holds the record * for the Most Really Truly Sickening Things To Do With One's Nose. * Posts from Compuserve but we forgive him for that. Has never had * sushi under a waxing gibbous moon. * Jason Nafziger. Once known for his witty drive-thru repartee, * the Mr. Nafziger now helps front the Bacon Sandwiches, or maybe * he backs or sides them, we can't be too sure. Fights crime under * the alias "Wibbleicious Thunderhead". * Flapjack. The man, the myth, the ex-convict from Naples, LA. * Once contributed to comp.risks, telling about the Evil Computer * In His Ear That Told Him To Paint His Dog Purple. Yet another * Bacon Sandwiches member. * Nosy. Five-time Triple-Digit Perfecta winner at the Slimy Falls * racetrack, Nosy has now retired comfortably into a recliner and * a directory out of nmsu.edu and does stuff. We think. * papa legba. As opposed to mama legba, perhaps? Once rumoured to * be one of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, we now know he actually * is Hulk Hogan's twin brother Vinnie in disguise. * cabbage. GREEN! SPUD!!! MAXIMIZE VALVE INTAKE BY TWENTY!!!!!!! * Kaj Groner. A popular fellow, Kaj must take care when stepping * out into the street for fear of being run over by mobs of adoring * mailboxes. * Vikram Kumar Khare. If that is his real name. Could get you to * Duluth and back, provided you bring the rollerskates. Never met * a pie-shaped wedge of plastic he didn't like. However, do not * mention his ex-girlfriend Bacon to him. * The Anti-JN. Hasn't seen "Debbie Does Bacon" yet but we're working * on passing him a VCR in a cake. Sounds painful, don't it? * Steve Heckman. Steve Heckman is vehement sack. We give you five * minutes to figure that out and when you do you must kill yourself. * No, really, we all did. alt.stupidity is now alt.dead.stupidity * or something because of this mean, malicious prank of Mr. Heckman's. * Thanks, Easter Bunny! * The following individuals, who for some reason or another haven't * been seen recently, have been relegated to the ALT.STUPIDITY * NOSTALGIA CHAMBER. However, should one feel indignant enough to * complain, the complaint lines are open. MICHAEL PAUL. Todd thinks he's OK. Holds stringent guidelines as to who is an ookie-ookie and who isn't. Is perfectly harmless unless exposed to Green Kryptonite. Henrik. One of the first Norwegian refugees to alt.stupidity from the great Flamewar of '94. Turn-ons: time travel, elevator theft, and those little pats of butter you get at diners. Turn-offs: Light switches and power strips. Per Harald Myrvang. Writes, in this author's humble opinion, some of the best poetry since Bob Cutter got smashed off of Cuervo and shouted obscenities at various Congressmen. Is rumoured to be Phyllis Diller's personal assassin. (q)Rossputin, Knoxville's Own. Once lived in a keyhole for five days "just to see if I could do it." in 1991. Awarded the Knoxville Association of Chiropractor's coveted "Best Friend" award in 1992. Is rumoured to go into a homicidal rage at the mention of Peter O'Toole. Rune Haetta Eidhammer. Often confused with the apostle Paul, this gentle migratory bird summers at the Islets of Langerhans and only comes out at night when it doesn't matter anyway. Nature's friend to pulp fiction also consumes twice its weight in Cheez-Its every month. Keith Glasson, put-some-initials-here. Was definitely never seen with a potato in his pocket, no sir. Once got caught in a bear trap and had to gnaw his left kidney in order to free himself. Has seen the world's largest collection of urinal cakes and lived to tell about it. ... and the rest, here on Gilligan's Isle. * --- SKIP TO @#@ THIS! Contrary to popular belief, Kibo has posted several times on alt.stupidity and sometimes if we're really good and do our homework before 8:30 a thread is crossposted to alt.religion.kibology. Of course this reward is seldom encouraged as the homework really stinks. Q: Now that I've seen the collective genius of the alt.stupidity regulars, how can I become one? A: Post to alt.stupidity, hold forth in its conversations, get to know the folks better, come home for dinner once in a while, and do smile. Q: Is there a certain net.deity I must worship to be in this group? A: Hell no! We're not like those other fascist, mega-elite groups which require you to pledge total devotion and submission to one who seemingly runs the place. Nor do we require you to write poems about certain large, hairy land-based mammals. Although Spatch and (l)Laura accept the occasional tithing, there is no real deity of alt.stupidity to worship. And that's how it's gonna be. We is an non-denominational newsfroup. Q: Is there an official alt.stupidity .GIF/.JPG site so I can see exactly who I'm encouraging? A: No. (Should there be?!) * Various individuals, for one reason or another, have set up their * own homepages which may or may not include images of themselves. * A more complete listing is detailed later. Q: Will there ever be an Official alt.stupidity gathering/get-together/con thing like the super-cool newsgroups hold every so often? A: Probably not. Since stupidity knows no boundaries, our beautiful and talented panel of regulars come from all over the globe, and getting them all gathered together in one place at one time is not only about as possible as reuniting all 6 Beatles, it's probably also one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalpyse. However, if someone extremely masochistic would ever want to co-ordinate such an event, be sure to let everyone know and preferably buy some stock in Nutella before you do. Q: What's Nutella? A: A tasty snack consisting of a chocolate and hazelnut spread. You put it on crackers, fruit, bread, body parts, and bacon. It's a European export to the US so if it ever had commercials they'd probably be as cheesy as those Mentos ones. Q: Does "It's Thursday." mean anything to you? A: Yes, it's a snide comment to steersdd (sic?!)'s signoff -------> Have a good weekend! <------- which was put on the end of every one of his messages whether or not it was actually the weekend. Some people, you will find out, have no sense of gratitude. Others just choose to ignore it. Q: Who is Gavin MacLeod and what importance does he have in the shaping of our society as we know it? A: Gavin MacLeod was born on February 28, 1930 in Mt. Kisco, NY. His pre'mier ro^le is, of course, the loveable old salt of a captain on TV's THE LOVE BOAT. Q: Can you tell me all about THE LOVE BOAT? A: Sure! THE LOVE BOAT: 60 minutes--ABC Pilot: May 5, 1977 Premier: Sept 24, 1977 Setting: The luxury liner _Pacific_Princess_, nicknamed the Love Boat by her crew. Basically a series of vignettes about floundering romances that occur during the ship's cruises. CAST ___________________ Merrill Stubing, the supercilious captain................Gavin MacLeod Julie McCoy, the prissy yet sensual cruise director..Lauren Tewes Dr. Adam Bricker, the ship's lecherous physician..........Bernie Kopell Burl "Gopher" Smith, the wacky yeoman purser.................Fred Grandy Issac Washington, the personalityless bartender...........Ted Lance * Q: So, what are some popular alt.stupidity homepages? * A: Try these on for size. * Keylime's Korner: * http://www.nd.edu/~gmoriart/ * (Cute illiterate misspelling of "Korner" added by editor.) * Plant Zurawski, (l)Laura's creation: * http://ux1.cso.uiuc.edu/~zurawski/ * mrl6a's Buffoonery page: * http://uvacs.cs.virginia.edu/~mrl6a/stupidity/buffoonery.html * Kaj Groner's page which wasn't working the last time Spatch tried it: * http://hopper.itc.virginia.edu/~kaj * Spatch's Stupid Homepage which is where you should be if you're reading this in html: http://unicorn.dorm.umd.edu/~spatula * Your Mileage May Vilify. Q: I see you are a savant of the Old West. What can you tell me about Rat Bastardson? A: Well-informed sources in Washington claim that evidence has arisen to the effect that, due to a mix-up at the hospital, the Clintons actually took home a baby capybara. Q: misc.kids really hates it when Matthew posts that, don't they? A: No, their emotions range from mildly befuddled to orgasmically fufilled. Q: If God loves us all, how come he/she allows so much suffering in the world? A: You're really begging to be hit, aren't you? Q: I'm sorry. Can you translate a particular foreign phrase into English for me? "Den Speck hat der Spatchel geumdreht." A: Since I am infuriatingly impetuous, I would immediately blurt out that it means that the bacon has flipped the spatula. However, the enlightened reader may notice that MacIntyre's _Die_Kapybarenaufklarung_ translates this as "The spatula has flipped the bacon." Q: Will this be on the exam? A: Uh, the exam was last Thursday. You missed it. No retakes. Q: I am having trouble breathing. Why? A: You need to consult the alt.stupidity Step-By-Step Guide to Breathing. STEP 1: Inhale. STEP 2: Exhale. STEP 3: Repeat. Q: Are the beds at Motel 6 really as uncomfortable as Tom Bodett thinks they are? A: I dunno, but they never keep the light on for ME. Q: How come you get to answer all the questions? A: I didn't answer ALL of them. Some of them were provided by generous readers like yourself, who sent in a FQA to the address mentioned below and were acknowledged and everything. Q: FQA? A: Frequently-Questioned Answer. Q: Oh. A: To find out how you can preview the Encyclopedia Britannica in your own home, simply call - Q: Hey, we're not in that commercial, we're in a FAQ, remember? A: Oh. Right. Q: Is this almost over? I got 24 new messages in alt.doody to read. A: Yeah. One more question should do it. Q: Is there one last piece of advice you'd wish to bestow upon those who wish to experience alt.stupidity? A: Nice way to wrap up, kinda like the 18th hole in Mini Golf. Well, just remember this: You're not out to prove who's stupider. You're not out to win the friendship of hundreds, if not thousands of machines. You're here to just have fun, so do it. Have fun. Be young. Drink a TRUE YETI. I won't accept your bill from the Betty Ford Clinic if you do, however. Q: And? A: and bacon. Sorry about that. Almost forgot. ==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-== WHO WROTE THE FAQ? Spatch (spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu) and mrl6a@uvacs.cs.Virginia.EDU (Isaac NewTori Spelling). WHO HELPED IN THE MAKING OF THE FAQ? mrl6a, with his original FAQ, portions of which served as new sections for this FAQ (most prominently the Rules of Etiquette and the series synopsis for THE LOVE BOAT.) John Lodder, for sending said FAQ to Spatch after an accidental deletion Per Harald Myrvang, for a nice note with the correct spelling of his name Anyone else who complained/noted that someone was left out of the list TO WHOM DO I SEND CONTRIBUTIONS, MONEY, ET CETERA? spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu - He's the source of all our pain! WHAT MUSIC WAS PLAYED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAQ? They Might Be Giants, Spike Jones, the BOBS, and this real cool Electric Company album taped from the archives at WMUA. WHAT CHEMICALS PLAYED A ROLE IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAQ? Caffeine, sugar, and these Giant Now And Laters that turn your mouth different colours. Also cookies and milk. DO WE REALLY CARE? No. ==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-== The alt.stupidity FAQ is copyrighted (C) 1995 R. Noyes and may only be distributed as is: nothing added, nothing deleted, nothing changed, without the express written permission from the author and a nice note from your mother (though the latter may be exempted if need be.) This FAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, though the author cannot see how you could even attempt to profit off this. James Bond will return in "The Living Nightlights." Until next time, don't forget to floss. ==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-== and bacon.
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