IS IT RED?

ALL (offstage): IS - IT - RED?!

ANNOUNCER: That's right! And here's everybody's favorite game show host, Whaaaaaaaaaaaaack Flapjack! WHACK enters

WHACK: Hello out there, and welcome to "Is It Red?", the game show where the answer to every question is, "Is it red?". I'm your host, Whack Flapjack. Charlie, who do we have for contestants today?

ANNOUNCER: First up, he's a magazine address label maintenance man, from Beaumont, Texas, Spupfly Skunkwile! SPUPFLY enters

ANNOUNCER: She's an assistant plunger painter from Wapperhampster Flats, Idaho, Molly Scubapolyp! MOLLY enters

ANNOUNCER: And he's a dissatisfied columnist from Slimy Falls, Wisconsin, please welcome Standwick Mushmeyer! STAND enters

WHACK: Hi there, contestants! Are you ready to play Is It Red?

SPUPFLY, MOLLY & STAND: Yeah! or 'sure' or variations thereof

WHACK: Let's get to know you a little bit first. Spupfly! reads card It says here you once licked the address label of Zsa Zsa Gabor, is that correct?

SPUPFLY: Well, actually, it was her sister, Eva. No, wait. It was her Pomeranian, Delores. No, no... her goldfish... uh ... WHACK interrupts

WHACK: Boy, I bet those magazine labels sure taste good, don't they? What would you recommend with those?

SPUFPLY: A fine Chateau Thenardier, vintage 1869, it goes well with the glue. Also, Jolt.

WHACK: Well, good luck, Spupfly, here's someone you're going to have to beat to win the game, Molly Scubapolyp all the way from Idaho. Molly, do you have any hobbies?

MOLLY: Yes. I enjoy playing the works of obscure 15th-century composers on the Musical Wrench.

WHACK: The Musical Wrench?!

MOLLY: Yes, it's a cousin of the Musical Saw. Makes a nice sound, too.

WHACK: uncomfortable pause : Good luck to you! Finally, our third contestant, Standwick. I understand your newspaper column, "Vox Standwicki", is seen in approximately 4 newspapers around this great country of ours?

STAND: Yes, Mr. Flapjack, although now it is seen in only 3 newspapers, the fourth one folded.

WHACK: Folded, did you say? Get it?! A newspaper... FOLDED?! Oh, this game show host humor really is a gas!

STAND perplexed : I didn't find that funny, Mr. Flapjack.

WHACK: Well, I did, as well as your fellow contestants and the entire viewing audience at home! But enough about you, let's start our game. Our first round is the Light Red Round, where you pick a category, I give a question, and the person who gives the correct answer gets the points. Our categories for today are: as WHACK says each one there is a little 'ding' sound from offstage Cherries, The Dearly Departed Soviet Union, Colors of the Rainbow, and Potpourri. I understand you drew lots backstage to see who goes first, who got that?

SPUPFLY: I did!

STAND: That's only why he's in the first seat.

WHACK through clenched teeth or the game-show-host-version thereof : Hush up, Standwick, Spupfly is about to pick.

SPUPFLY: I'll take the Dearly Departed Soviet Union for 100, please.

WHACK: The first question of the game is this: The dominant color of the old Soviet Union flag was... SPUPFLY rings Spupfly?

SPUPFLY: Is it red?

WHACK: You are correct! Pick again.

SPUPFLY: Same category for 200, please.

WHACK: A derogatory term for a Soviet Communist was... MOLLY rings Molly?

MOLLY: Is it red?

WHACK: And that's correct! You get to pick.

MOLLY: I'll stick with the Dearly Departed Soviet Union for 300.

WHACK: The Bolshevik Uprising took place in... STANDWICK rings Standwick!

STAND: 1917.

WHACK: Oh, I'm so sorry, Standwick, but that is incorrect.

STAND: Shucks.

WHACK: The correct answer is "Is It Red?".

STAND: What?! No, I was right! The Bolshevik Uprising took place in 1917!

WHACK: Be that as it may, this is "Is It Red?", not "Is It 1917?", so the correct answer to EVERY question is "Is It Red?"

STAND: Oh.

WHACK: That's a good Standwick. Molly, you gave us the last correct answer, so you get to pick.

MOLLY: I'll take Colors Of The Rainbow for 100, please.

WHACK: Oh, that's our special VIDEO BONUS QUESTION! I'll give you an answer and you have 10 seconds to answer it, Molly! Are you ready?

MOLLY: Well, sure!

WHACK: And today's Video Bonus Question is: holds hand over chest What color is my tie? STANDWICK goes apeshit What, Standwick?!

STAND: Red!! RED!! Is It Red?!

WHACK: Standwick, this question is for Molly only!! You can't answer this!

STAND: Oh, great. Make the game rules a bit more confusing, why don't you.

WHACK: I'll have to ask the Judges In My Ear what I should do here... holds finger to ear Hmm... mm mmm... okay. takes finger out of ear Molly, this is still your question, so you have to answer to get the money.

MOLLY: Is it... black, Whack? STANDWICK laughs

WHACK: Huh?! How could you possibly get that wrong? Standwick gave you the correct answer!

STAND: Good going, Molly! thwaps MOLLY in the shoulder

WHACK pressing fingers to ear again : The Judges In My Ear say that Molly, you don't get any points for incorrectly answering the question, and Standwick, you lose all your points for being stupid.

STAND: But I had no points to begin with!

WHACK: So you're in the negative right now, it doesn't matter.

STAND: That doesn't make sense.

WHACK: Shut up, Standwick. Molly, please pick another category.

MOLLY: I'll take Cherries for 100, please.

WHACK: Cherries are colored... STANDWICK rings in Standwick?

STAND: Er... uh ... Red.

WHACK: Very good, Standwick!

STAND: Thank you!

WHACK: But you forgot to phrase it in the form of "Is It Red", so you don't get any points.

STAND: What?! This is stupid!

WHACK: Of course this is! This is a Spatula Tonight skit! all stand up and salute with spatulas, perhaps we can get Gabe Barbaro to run across stage wearing the spatula-through-the-head And that sight gag means it's the end of the Light Red Round, and now we move into the Dark Red Round. I'll give ALL OF YOU looks at STAND a question, and you have 10 seconds to answer it on the sheet of paper in front of you. If you get it right, you get 500 more dollars. Are you all ready?

MOLLY & SPUPFLY: Yeah!

STAND: Whatever.

WHACK: And today's Dark Red question is: Draw your house.

STAND: What?!

WHACK: Just DO IT, Standwick, I'm really fed up with your negative attitude! Sound of a clock ticking off-stage. STAND tries to peek at MOLLY'S paper but she protectively moves over, WHACK ad-libs something pithy. STAND finally scribbles in desperation, and the buzzer sounds.

WHACK: All right, time's up! Let's see what you answered. Spupfly, we'll start with you, what did you write? SPUPFLY holds up his paper which has 'Is It Red?' written on it. "Is It Red?" That's correct, 500 bucks to Spupfly! Molly, what did you write? MOLLY holds up hers with 'Is It Red?' as well. "Is It Red?" That's correct as well! And Standwick? STAND holds up... if you can't figure this joke out you have no place in comedy. Oh, a picture of your house! You fell for our trick question! Looks like Molly's our winner! She gets the cash, and a red Camaro!

MOLLY: Hot damn!

WHACK: Spupfly's our runner-up, he receives a lifetime supply of Red delicious apples and a trip to the Red Sea!

SPUPFLY: Hot damn!

WHACK: I'm sorry, Molly already used that line.

SPUPFLY: Oh. Wheeeeee!!

WHACK: And Standwick, you get a copy of our home game.

STAND: I don't want no lousy home game! I don't even know why I came on this show in the first place, I'm colorblind!

WHACK: Could it be to promote your newspaper column, "Vox Standwicki"?

STAND: No way! I wouldn't do that if my life depended on it! You're a cheat, Flapjack, and I intend on exposing you to the public!

WHACK: In all four newspapers?

STAND: THREE! The fourth one FOLDED! stomps angrily off

WHACK ad-libs something pithy

WHACK: That's it for Is It Red. We've been sponsored tonight by Heinz Ketchup, V-8 Drink, and Red Meat: Real Food for Men Insecure in their Masculinity. Stay tuned for Lewis and Clark: The New Adventures of Sacajawea. I'm Whack Flapjack, saying Good Night!

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