Complete (sorta) Discography

and lyrics, as best as we can make 'em out

• "What Thing?"
• "You're Silly"
• "Put Down That Ping Pong Paddle"
• "That Capybara Smells Like Vomit" which, despite Kaj's delusions never became a hit until Nirvana ripped it off.

• "Squishy Can"
• "DOODY DOODY DOODY."
• "Talking In Front Of My Back" The first paranoid ballad of its time.

• "MAKE.MONEY.FAST"
• "Blaaaaaaah" A hidden bonus track, harder to find than Waldo. [HIDDEN]

• "Three Full Minutes of Belching of Laughing," with special guest vocalist, Carnie Wilson!!!
• Playin' with the Bacon Sandwiches
• Canadian Grocery Store

• Sandwich of Bacon Robert Plant actually wrote this for the band. Course, we think that was Robert Plant. I mean, he just knocked on the recording studio door and said "Hi, I'm Robert Plant, wanna record a song I wrote?" Maybe it was just Phyllis Schlafly.
• Where the Sheets have no Stains
• The End Of The Meal As We Know It
• Mr. Jones This is the one where the BS got ripped off!
• Bacon Through It had to happen...
• I LONGEST KNOWN PALINDROME I Featuring Flapjack on something, but we're not quite sure. Flapjack maintains it was lead guitar, Jason thought it was keyboards, and Spatch believes it was acid.
• toaster *** Runtime error at the zoo ***

(Jul. 1990)
"Heckzapoppin'" - A five song CD sampler which includes a never before released song.

• "I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working"
• The Infamous Blooper Reel - yes, 45 minutes of your favorite Bacon Sandwiches members walking into nonfunctional turbolift doors. You've seen it at Cons everywhere, now own this treasured piece of rock and roll memorabilia before Planet Hollywood tries to buy it.

• "DOODY DOODY DOODY,"
• "Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle" (featuring a ping-pong paddle as the only instrument)
• "I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working"
• "Blaaaaaaah."

• "Up Your Butt and Around the Corner"
• "Qwik-N-Ez Grammar-Meter Flamage Guide." [LIVE]

Lyrics

What thing?
I don't see a thing here
What thing?
Might you be referring to that stuff there?
Obviously, that's more than a thing,
It looks like stuff to me
Moron

What thing??
What thing??
WHAT THING????

MORON!!!!

I know you and I think you are
Something that rhymes with Billy
And when someone mops the vomit out of this here car
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT

I thought I recognized that ugly face
It belongs to the aforemention you
And when someone helps me stand still in one place
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT

You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
And I'm drunk...
(repeat)

I've seen you 'round here before
And I've got one thing to say
And when someone picks my drunk ass up off the floor
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT

Put down that Oreo
Put down those Pick-up Sticks
Put down that orange yo-yo (REO??)
Put down that ugly chick

Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that...
Put IT DOWN!!!!

Put down that larval ooze
Put down those Fruedian slips
Put down those those blue suede shoes
Put down that bag of chips

Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that...
Put IT DOWN!!!!

Put down that dodecahedron
Put down that bowl of mud
Put down that road map, you heathen
Put down those suds

Put it down, down now
Put it down, down now
Put it down, how now
Put it down, brown cow

Load up on bacon, bring your friends
It's fun to sculpt Spam into rear-ends
She's overboard, she's overboard
She's overboard, or did I mention that?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? HELLO?? HELLO??
HELLLLLLOOOOOO!!!???!! HELLO?!?!????!!
HEY!!!!

With the lights out, I stubbed my toe
Here we are now, give us Jell-O
I feel stupid, but you are though
Here we are now, give us Jell-O
An albino, a mullato
A pinata, two burittos (to go!)

I'm worst at what I do worst
I don't care if you said it first
Our little group sucks like hell
'Cuz we don't try to rhyme too good

Mello Yello, Mello Yello
Jello, Jello, Jello, Jello
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

With the lights out, I stubbed my toe
How now brown cow, Mello Yello
I feel stupid, can't play cello
How now brown cow, where's Otello?
A fat wino, a chilito
Manicotti, Danny DeVito (Hey!)

And I forgot my name again
I guess I'll ask one of my friends
I found it hard, it was soft when I lost it
Oh well, who really gives a shit?

Hello, hello, oh screw it, you get it by now!!!

With the lights out, I tripped and fell down the stairs
Here we are now, give us gummi bears
I feel stupid, give me gummi bears
Here we are now, yeah, I still want those gummi bears

HEY!!!!

Squishy can tie his own shoes
Squishy can make sugar cookies
Squishy can buy his own booze
Squishy can find his own bookies

Yeah, Squishy can
But he don't want to right now
Right now he's a little bit busy
Right now he's making himself dizzy

Yeah, Squishy can
But he don't want to right now
Right now he's tied up at the moment
Right now he'd rather be driving a Buick

Squishy can find his socks in the dryer
Squishy can make up his own mind
Squishy can play around with fire
Squishy can make himself go blind

Yeah, Squishy can
But he doesn't quite feel up to it
Right now he's sick with the plague
Right now he smells like bad eggs

Yeah, Squishy can
But he doesn't quite feel up to it
Right now he's dead in his grave
Right now he's trying to eat

Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can

Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody

Doody!!!

Oh...been a victim of slanderous attack
All the while they were talking in front of my back
Oh...I wouldn't mind
If they were behind (my back)
But I find that it's really rather rude
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
In front of my back

Oh...been a victim of bacon-induced heart attack
All the rumors floated right in front of my back
Oh...I wouldn't care
If they were not there (my back)
But, you see, my back can hear you
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
In front of it

Oh...been a victim when the bus got hit from the back
All the while they were talking in front of my back
Oh...it wouldn't be so bad
If you weren't a dumbass
But I think that you are when you are
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
Period

There must,
There must be,
There must be something,
There must be something else,
There cannot be just this,
Something you will not miss.

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

But it does not look that way,
What do you say?
I cannot see that this should be all,
This empty wall.
That this is really...
...IT???...

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

I feel so very unclean,
As if an Capybara I've seen
Nothing is remotely witty,
Except perhaps this little ditty.

Must be on Alt.Stupidity...
Must be on Alt...
Must be...

...and bacon.

(Song ends in spectacular fireworks as someone pukes into a speaker)

I don't think this microphone is working
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's definitely on but I think
I think
I think it's BROKEN

No, this microphone is certainly flawed
There's no way that it could possibly be working
If it is then my name is Judy
Which, by the way, it's not so I guess that means
That means
That means

I don't think this microphone is working
I've been fiddling with it for some time
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's on it's on but I think
I think
I think
I think

I don't think it's working

Where's Dan Quayle?
Where's your mom?
Where's everybody?
... where's Tom?

Up your butt, it's not hard to mention
Up your butt, it's not hard to clean
Up your butt and around the corner
Take a right - and there's your spleen

Song ends as half the audience tries to find his spleen.

Listen to the wisdom of Alt.Stupidity:
-1 for stupid or misspelt username,
-5 for poorly-attributed quoting,
-5 for beginning of sentence not capitalized,
-5 for two words puttogether

(Chorus)
Use the Qwik-N-Ez Flamage Guide,
Do not let your grammar slide,
or we will flame your hide...

On Alt.Stupidity rule the really witty
and if you're offended, TOUGH TITTY!

Dum-De-Dum...

-10 for apostrophes werent used,
-10 for two sentences not spaced properly,
-10 for a comma was used wrong,
-20 for run-on sentences are used you will get penalized if you use them!
-20 for pathetic attempt at argument / rhetoric,

(Chorus)

-25 for not capitalizing the I in Internet,
-25 for referring to a "newsgroup" as a forum, BBS, area, room,
-25 for making lame "Information Superhighway" metaphor,
-25 for poster begins follow-up with obscenity,
-25 for excessive use of smileys,

(Chorus)

-25 for flaming someone whose smiley has/doesn't have a nose,
-25 for excessive use of obscenity,
-30 for so much obscenity it'd make a drill sergeant blush,
-30 for attempt to disguise obscenity with ASCII,
-50 for misspelt obscenity,

(Chorus)

-50 for posing a question but not using a question mark,
-50 for excessive use of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
-50 for poorly-attempted forge,
-75 for referring to the Internet as "The Information Superhighway",
-75 for confusing the USENET with the Internet,

(Chorus)

-75 for SHOUTING THE ENTIRE POST,
-100 for quoting a long article only to add one line at the end,
-100 for any time the lines of the poster's .sig is greater than the post,
-100 for writing a follow-up with no quotes and no context,
-100 for referring to the Internet as "The Infobahn",

(Chorus)

-100 for flamebait so obvious even Andrew Beckwith wouldn't bite,
-100 for asking "I know this question is in the FAQ..."
-X for general cluelessness,

And remember, this song is not to nitpick on slip-ups,

But to thrash the flagrant violators.

Endfile, Endfile, Endfiiiillleeeee.

(Song ends in chaos as the audience attacks the band...)

It's two o'clock
In the morning, child
All down the block
Folks are running wild

They've got to turn back their clocks
It's the end...
Of Daylight Savings Time...

It's two o'clock
Actually, now it's only one
Got an hour back
One more hour of fun
So what do you want to do?

It's the end...
The end...
Of Daylight Savings Time...

Spoken:
I knew a man.
A stupid man.
A long time ago.
He would turn his clock back at two, until it read one.
And then an hour later, he'd do the same thing again.
Trapped in a time warp of his own creation.
He died with his finger on the minute hand.
It was 1:37.

It's the end...
The end...
The end...
The end...

(cuckoo solo)

The..........
End..........

There was this rabbit
Who I used to see every day.
But then the squid came
And I yelled, "HEY!!!" (hey!)

But they took that rabbit away.
Oh so much to my dismay.
So I got them.
And we made Calimari!

(chorus)
CAAALimarI!
STOOOOpid Squid!
Yellow Hankerchief
Yellow Hankerchief

And the Squid came back
the very next day.
and sat.

(chorus)

Lots of wild and eratic vocals as the entire band explods. Enter the horses.

There's a lady I know
Who puts ketchup on toast
And she's eating a sandwich of bacon

She's got rings in her nose
And it hurts when she blows
But masochism is what she came for

Ooooh--oo--oo
Ooooh--oo--oo

And she's eating a sandwich of bacon

There's a sign on the wall
"Sign up now for softball"
But she can't play 'cause her nose is bleeding

In the creek by the road
There's a songbird who sings
But he just doesn't sing them with feeling

Oooooh...make me supper
Oooooh...make me supper

There's a feeling I get
When I stand on my head
And cross my eyes and stare at a strobe light

In my thoughts I have seen
Someone kill Charlie Sheen
With a stapler they bought down at Shop-Rite

Oooooh...make me supper
Oooooh...make me supper

And it's there on the spoon
It's been there since last June
And it'll be there at least 'til next season

And a new day will dawn
I'll put my toupee on
Eat a Pop-Tart and go commit treason

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

If there's a muskrat in your bedroom, leave him alone there
He's just looking for his baked beans

Yes, there are toothpicks for customers if they want one
But you've got to ask for them by name

And they make me supper
Ooooooh-whoa-oooh

Your head is hummin', I think you should go to Sunoco
Your wipers seem to be stickin'

First lady can you hear the wind blow through ol' Bill's skull?
Your daughter died for everyone's sins

Ooooooh-ooooooh

And there's some wine in the commode
I blame it all on Mister Toad
In walks the guy from the Late Show
He lets the bathtub overflow
And Rick Dees is completely stoned
And if you whistle at the guard
He'll give you rice and sacks of lard
And then he'll ask to mow your yard
If, that is, it ain't too hard

And she's buying a sandwich ... of bacon.

I want to rest
I want to sleep
I want to smash in the walls
Put holes in the floor
I want to bust beds,
Set them aflame
Where the sheets have no stains

I want to watch Showtime every day
Get a burger delivered on a silver tray
I want to sleep on bed not built for pain
Where the sheets have no stains

Where the sheets have no stains
Where the sheets have no stains
A real bulding
To burn down to hell, burn down hotels
And when I shower
There's no hair on the soap
(Belongs to who-knows-who)

The bathroom's aflood
And the bed's turned to rust
We beat in the TV and walls
Till it's all dust
It's not the same
The room looks the same
We need to find a place
Where the sheets have no stains

Where the sheets have no stains
Where the sheets have no stains
A real bulding
To burn down to hell, burn down hotels
And when I shower
There's no hair on the soap
(Belongs to who-knows-who)

Oh shit
It starts with the Bis-Quick
And now I'm sick
To my stomach
Gastric juices start to cascade

I'm in a lot of pain
Better save yourself
Someone show me to the bathroom
Where the hell's the bathroom?
Shouldn't have had that last beet
Too much to eat
Now it's hit my bladder
Full effect of the lager
Brother said he's buyin'
So I couldn't refuse
So every dish I'm tryin'
Now my stomach's confused
Now my lunch is comin'
In a hurry with a fury
Creepin' up my neck

Gotta find a toilet
Or a trashcan or a bucket
Really any kind of
Container
Uh oh, overflow
Too little, too late
Better move, save yourself
Move yourself
Move your fat feet
Get yourself away from me
'Less you wanna be swimmin'
In my dinner all night
There's fish and chicken
All the fixins, clams left and right
It is not a pretty sight

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'

Sick as fuck, a food shower
A little duck and clam chowder
Throatburn returns
Guess the meeting's adjourned
Maybe it was under-warmed
I'm reuturnin' this burger
And also this here lemonade
They'll just put it right back on the plate
Have my salad, have my cola
Head down, head down
Here's my sip of orange Crush
Uh-oh this means
Old beer, shed a tear
Gatorade and something clear
Spillin' in, ploppin' in
droppin' in, FLUSH!

For the end I'm wishing, as my stomach's turning
French toast, French fries

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'

Here comes more, my tongue's a slide
For everything I dared to bite
Fermented cider, aged wine
BACON SANDWICH
A chef's salad
Something that may not be dead
Birthday party cheesecake
Jellybeans, boom!

Fish and chicken, all the fixins
Not a pretty sight

It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
It's the end of the meal as we know it
I feel like dyin'

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Uh--what?
Yeah

I was down a the new Burger King
Starin' at this yellow french fry
Mr. Jones strikes against conservation
With a black-haired flamingo breeder
You know, she dances while his spays Fido
She's suddenly beautiful
Well, we all want something suddenly
Man, I wish I was something

So come dance this morning drown in the pudding
Fa-la-la-la-la-la yeah
Cut up Maria. Put her pieces in some Tupperware
Pass me some bacon, Mr. Jones
Believe in Cheez
Help me believe in melodies
Cause I want to be someone who gets helped

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
He screws up on his parts though
"They're looking at you. Ah, no, no. No wait -- yeah they are."
Playin' with the Lite-Brite
Stealin' cheap car stereos
When everybody loves, you can never get any sleep

I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue, red, blue and red
All the available colors are very very varied, oh
Well you know Paul is my favorite Beatle
I had gin and tonic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would ask him why he thinks that he can paint

Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the three-headed women
"She's looking at you
And him and him and that capybara too"
Standing at the Shop-Rite
I bought myself a candy bar
When everybody loves me, I will have a lot of people lovin' me

I want to be a lion
No scratch that, I'd rather be a donkey
We all want to be big big stars, yeah but there's just not enough cool hats
Believe in me
Cause I don't believe in believing
And I believe someone who believes

Yeah

Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we look at each other and wonder
"What's a barrio? Man, you really got me there."
I want be Bob Denver
Mr. Jones wishes he was a big plate of potato salad
When everybody loves you, Bob, that's just about as funny as Toucan Sam

Mr. Jones and me starin' at the radio
When I look at the television
I want to see Greg Brady starin' right back at me
We all want to wear big ties, but don't know where and we don't know Frank
But when everybody loves me, I'm gonna make 'em buy me some big ties
Mr. Jones and me
We're gonna wear big ties

You know the day destroys the Drac
Night divides all day
Tried a bun
Tried a side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side, yeah

We chased capybaras here
Dug our gravesites there
But can you still recall
Broken toasters?
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side

Yeah!
C'mon yeah!

Everybody loves my bacon
Everybody loves my BRUCE
He get
He get
He get
He get fried

I found a bloodstream in your arms
Crusties in your eyes
Squirrels that chase us
Die die die
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through, owww!
Oh, yeah!

Made obscene
Beak to beak
Pay to play
Power to flour
The fate is cake
Peas and Sprite
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through to the other side
Bacon through
Bacon through
Bacon through
Bacon through
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Some day this thread will die and we'll be real happ-y.
Spatch leans down and says "Do you think we're that lucky?
"It sure is a bitch,
Oh here it comes!"
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONGE-E-EST I!
And we are just bacon munching on bacon on a piggy's backside.
We don't deserve this (nausea)
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh) (nausea)
PALINDROME KNOWN (nausea)
LONGE-E-EST I! (nausea)

See the flamage proof thread hanging 'round this newsfroup?
See the regular(?) posts with the random sigs, Kaj?
Now if I had to decide,
'Tween us and the
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONG-E-EST I
Well, I would choose bacon'n capybaras,
'Cause I practic'ly died
Last time that I tried (nausea)
I LONGEST KNOWN (uh)
PALINDROME KNOWN
LONG-E-EST I! (nausea)

"Spatch, we are pissed, though" we said "'Cause just a thread (this one) must
die, now."  "Die, must one?"  "This thread-a just cause." said we, though
pissed, are we Spatch?

it warmed my pop-tarts for me, it warmed my bagels for me
it burnt my rye bread but i, i didn't get mad or nothing

help me
i broke apart my toaster
help me
i've got no jam to spread
help me
the only that thing that worked for me
what am i to do with this bread?

i just can't cook it in the microwave
it'll still be cold on the inside
i just can't cook it in the microwave
my whole damn breakfast is flawed
you know that toaster was God

you can have my can opener
you can have the pain that it brings
you can have my wok and my fridge
you can have my other things

help me
take my damn freezer
help me
dinette set i can sell
help me
it browned it perfect
made toast like no-damn-body else

i just can't cook it in the microwave
it'll still be cold on the inside
i just can't cook it in the microwave
my whole damn breakfast is flawed
you know that toaster was God

top it with butter, top it with cheese
within my stomach, certain to please
the warm jelly of its pop-tarts
melted my cold and darkened heart

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...

Spatch plays with Laura,
Laura plays with Kaj,
Kaj plays with Jason,
Jason is stupid again,

Jesper plays with Sandy?
Sandy sleeps with Bruce?
Bruce makes a sandwich,
Vehement puts bacon in it,

Ray plays with Henrik,
Henrik plays with Noah,
Noah plays with DAVE.RHODES,
DAVE.RHODES.PLAYS.WITH.HIMSELF,

Eating our prunes,
We shit out the tunes for the B-Side,
Handing out spoons,
We eat our macaroons with a porter,

Hey, it's not stout!

If soy can't kill,
capybaras will,

In Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...

Spatch has a Red Stripe,
Vehement, Blackened VooDoo,
They both have bars to drink them at,
Except at BYU,

Throwing up in bathrooms,
Laying silly dames,
Turning on the CAPS LOCK,
TYPING OUT RUDE FLAMES,

Writing volumes,
We inhale the fumes from the sock drawer,
Hacking up songs,
We do a few bongs with a pale ale,

Hey, it's not stout!

If soy can't kill,
capybaras will,

In Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bacon Sandwiches and a Beer,
Stupidity without peer,

Bay...con...Sandweechez...
Bay...con...Sandweechez...

This guy
Died
He was shopping at a Canadian grocery store
And said something about annoying Canucks
And he died
Due to bacon wounds

(accordian swell featuring lots of pickup-twiddling)
To his face

(Drum solo in 9/7 time)
The guy was complaining about nasalized vowels
And he imitated a Canadian saying "p(y)asta"
Broken ribs ensued
I think they shoved a sled dog in one ear
And a Leafs hat in the other

CHORUS:
(over wailing plaintive slide-whistle "riff")
Canadian Grocery Store
All I'm saying is, don't attempt to step to Canadians
Or they will cold bust you with their collective gats
Or, alternately, bacon

Dime store patrons
Territorial bastards
One thing I like is they frequently kick Americans

(meso-tuba extrusion)
IN THE FACE

It's sad, really
What can happen to a guy
For imitating dialectual vowel patterns
in a Canadian grocery store

But also kind of funny

(CHORUS)

This guy died

(fade on two-chord crunching rendition of "An die Freude")

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