The Interviews
Interview with Steve "Vehement Sack" and Spatch, on NYC Live at Four A.M.Host: Leslie something-or-other
LESLIE: Okay -- first off let me just ask you--
VEHEMENT SACK: Y'know, man, it's nice to see the band get the recognition it deserves, y'know man? After all the hard work we put into "What Thing?" and "DOODY DOODY DOODY", I mean, we sold, what...over 2 million...
SPATCH: 3.
VEHEMENT SACK: ...yeah, 3 million...
SPATCH: No. Just 3.
VEHEMENT SACK: ...yeah, like, we never knew they would be such mega-hits, y'know, man? Hey! What's say we sing one Spatch-o...
SPATCH: No, I really d...
VEHEMENT SACK: ...oh, c'mon...I'll start, Ok? Ok, now, "DOODY DOODY DOODY..."
SPATCH: ...uhh..
VEHEMENT SACK: ..C'Mon.."DOO..."
SPATCH: "...DOODY DOODY....DOODY"
VEHEMENT SACK: OK, yeah! "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
SPATCH: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
VEHEMENT SACK: Alright! "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
SPATCH: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
VEHEMENT SACK: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
SPATCH: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
VEHEMENT SACK: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
SPATCH: "DOODY DOODY DOODY"!
VEHEMENT SACK: OK! Big finish now...
VS&SPATCH: "DOODY!"
VEHEMENT SACK: Right on Spatch!
SPATCH: I think I going to vomit...
Interview with Jason, Spatch, Kaj, and Vehement Steve in Lame Band Magazine
LBM: What makes the Bacon Sandwiches so--
VEHEMENT SACK: I think you should be interviewing Duran Duran instead.
SPATCH: Hey! Duran Duran's not that bad!! I mean, not as bad as us.
KAJ: Which Duran do you like better?
SPATCH: Oh, the first one, for sure.
VEHEMENT SACK: I like the first one too.
JASON: The second one.
KAJ: I like them both the same. They need each other. For, like, support or whatever.
JASON: I think you're drunk, Kaj.
VEHEMENT SACK: We're all drunk.
JASON: See?
SPATCH: So, were you going to ask us a question or what?
LBM: Uh... who writes the songs?
SPATCH: Which songs?
VEHEMENT SACK: The songs that make the whole world sing?
JASON: Yeah, what songs do you mean?
KAJ: Duran Duran?
LBM: Yours. Who writes the Bacon Sandwiches' songs?
JASON: Uh....
SPATCH: Um....
KAJ: Er....
VEHEMENT SACK: [belch]
J&SPATCH: [three minutes of laughing]
LBM: No, seriously, who writes 'em?
SPATCH: Well, we all write words on little slips of paper, and then we put them in this giant fedora, and then Laura draws out a bunch of them. And there's the song. So, I guess Laura writes them.
LBM: Where is Laura by the way?
JASON: Interview's over.
KAJ: We've gotta go.
SPATCH: You'll be sorry, mag-boy.
VEHEMENT SACK: Are you gonna eat those fries?
Interview with Laura Z by CruDdyMusIcTeleVisIoN
CMTV: So, how exactly did the Bacon Sandwiches come about?
LAURA: It was all my idea.
CMTV: Yes...?
LAURA: Yes.
CMTV: O...Kay. Tell us about the new video.
LAURA: It was all my idea.
CMTV: Okay, okay. Why doesn't Spatch use his real name?
LAURA: It was all my idea.
CMTV: We'll be right back after this CMTV "Free Your Spleen" Ad.
The Whack Flapjack show with The Bacon Sandwiches
(NOTE: Whack's guests that evening were child star Macaulay Culkin, dissatisfied columnist Standwick Mushmeyer, and musical guests the Bacon Sandwiches. Basically after the interviews the BS came out and sang "Doody Doody Doody", after which the following exchange occurred:)
KAJ: Thank you. Thank you. [ applause dies down ]
WHACK FLAPJACK: So, when are you going to do your song?
VEHEMENT SACK: That was our song.
LAURA: It was my idea.
WHACK FLAPJACK: That was no song. That was just all five
SPATCH: - three, sir -
WHACK FLAPJACK: - seven of you shouting "Doody doody doody" at random intervals.
LAURA: It was my idea.
KAJ: Well, you see, Whack, that's the general idea of the song.
LAURA: Mine.
KAJ: Yeah, Laura's. We felt that by shouting "doody doody doody" at random intervals, rather than, say, whispering it, we could achieve an effect that somehow is like the new capybarian style of music.
SPATCH (to STANDWICK MUSHMEYER): Hi there.
STANDWICK: Uh, hi.
WHACK FLAPJACK: The capybarian style?
LAURA: It was my idea.
JASON: No it wasn't, it was Matthew MacIntyre's idea.
WHACK FLAPJACK: Wasn't he on the New Kids on the Block?
SPATCH: You mispronounced "Joe McCarthy". Hope this helps.
VEHEMENT SACK: Basically the capybarian style of music is somewhat like house, building, Mentos and industropoop all rolled into one. You get your rabid Luddite fans, you get your devout rasta followers and you also get the tonedeaf all enjoying the work.
WHACK FLAPJACK: So you're doing this to gain new fans, are you?
SPATCH: You mispronounced "selling out." Hope this helps.
KAJ: No, Spatch, wait, we're not selling out. To sell out we'd have to latch onto a popular music form.
SPATCH: Oh.
WHACK FLAPJACK: So, I hear it's customary for one of you guys to get smashed before interviews.
LAURA: It was my idea, but only if it's soy milk.
WHACK FLAPJACK: Riight. So, which one of you is it this time?
JASON: Can't you tell?
WHACK FLAPJACK: Uh, no.
JASON: We thought it'd be inherently obvious.
WHACK FLAPJACK: You all got me unless Blandford comes out with the Whack-Y Breathalyzer Test!
KAJ: BREATHALYZER?! OH SHIT!!! [ runs out of the studio screaming ]
S (to STANDWICK): So, what's in your mug?
STANDWICK (stiffly): Water. You?
SPATCH: TRUE YETI.
WHACK FLAPJACK: I think I know who's drunk.
JASON: Wrong!
WHACK FLAPJACK: But I haven't guessed yet!
JASON: You'd still be wrong. None of us is drunk.
VEHEMENT SACK: Yet.
LAURA: Bruce is.
WHACK FLAPJACK: Bruce?
VEHEMENT SACK: Sandy?!
WHACK FLAPJACK: Who's Bruce?
JASON: He's not here.
SPATCH: Hey, can Florence Henderson bring out a Brady Bunch board game for me, too? [ STANDWICK drinks out of SPATCH's cup, his eyes roll in the back of his head ]
WHACK FLAPJACK: No. Who's Bruce?
VEHEMENT SACK: Bruce is our Auxiliary Band Member. He's currently dead right now but he's recuperating and should be back for our Spring 96 tour of Mesopotamia.
LAURA: It was my idea.
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: We want Macaulay Culkin!
VEHEMENT SACK: Shut up!
WHACK FLAPJACK: Well, what's next for the Bacon Sandwiches?
SPATCH: Well, we're currently negotiating the rights to do a rock opera based on the book "How to make Millions of Dollars, Tax-Free, While Simultaneously Finding Your Ideal Mate and Achieving Perfect Health".
JASON: It's very visionary, very surreal.
LAURA: It was my idea.
SPATCH: And after that we're off to sunny Nepal to shoot our latest video "Phil".
WHACK FLAPJACK: I think you're lying. [ STANDWICK takes another swig out of SPATCH'S cup, grimaces, and finishes it. ]
VEHEMENT SACK: Hey, man, we don't question your work.
JASON: Actually, I do. What were you thinking when you filmed "Disco Avenger?"
WHACK FLAPJACK: And we'll be right back with more of Macaulay Culkin after this!
LAURA: Jason, was that the one with the polyester-suited hero and bad medallions fighting crime and those who won't boogie?
WHACK FLAPJACK: Looks like we've run out of time for you guys, thanks for coming on the show, hope to see you again rea -
JASON: Yeah, and he also was in "The Earthquake, The Tornado, The Fire and the Plane Crash", the greatest 70's disaster epic of all time.
SPATCH: I think I saw that one. [ to WHACK ] You were real convincing as the Furniture Magnate whose carelessness destroys an entire city.
WHACK FLAPJACK (out of the corner of his mouth): That wasn't me, that was Leslie Nielsen!
VEHEMENT SACK: It's all right, we forgive you. Not.
STANDWICK (very drunkenly swaggers right up to WHACK): I don't fergive you, Mishter Flapjack... I can't shtand you! Do you unmember me?
WHACK FLAPJACK: With breath like that, it's a wonder I haven't.
STANDWICK: Do you remember a game show sheveral yearz back called "Was It Red?" I wash on it and I LOST!
WHACK FLAPJACK: That's "Is It Red?" and I can see why you lost.
STANDWICK: You publicly humiliated me! You called me all shorts of names and taunted me jusht because I wouldn't play along with your sick, perverted fantashies!
WHACK FLAPJACK: Hey, now, answering questions correctly isn't quite "playing along with my sick, perverted fantasies."
VEHEMENT SACK: It is if the question was "Will you make hot mango love to me while we listen to Debby Boone?"
WHACK FLAPJACK: Stay out of this, vehement sackboy.
SHTANDWICKAJ: I've been waiting all these yearsh sho that I could exact my revenge... and now I CAN! HAHAHAHAH! [ points his finger at WHACK ] You're my hostage now or else I'll let you have it! Thish gun is loaded! [ jabs finger menacingly ]
WHACK FLAPJACK: Uh, that's not a gun, that's your finger.
STANDWICK (breaking down and weeping): Oh, what'sh the use? I can't even brandish a weapon correctly. I'm jusht a pathetic peon of the journalistic society we live in today.
JASON: Oh, come on, sir, you're not that pathetic. I mean, look at Spatch. 6 years in the music business and he's still doing backup vocals for Ace of Base.
SPATCH: HEY!!!
STANDWICK: I guess you're right. I'm not all that bad. It's just that every time I try to gain the public eye I end up looking like a total, utter, stupid, smegging SCHNOOK! [ STOCKDALE the CLOWN runs in all of a sudden, holding three keylime pies, and bashes them in STANDWICK's face. He then sprays STANDWICK with seltzer, rum and coke, and bacon, while singing the aria to La Boheme. Afterwards he picks up STANDWICK and throws him down a prop laundry chute marked "TO HELL" and then stands as if waiting for something. ]
WHACK FLAPJACK: He said "schnook", not "book".
STOCKDALE: Oh, I guess I had my hearing aid turned off for a moment there.
VEHEMENT SACK: Wha?!
LAURA: That wasn't my idea.
WHACK FLAPJACK: Well, we'll be right back with our special guest Macaula - [ KAJ re-enters holding MACAULAY CULKIN'S head on a pike, MACAULAY'S face is frozen in his famed "oh no!" expression. ]
KAJ: Sorry, I slipped...
(pandemonium ensues as the crowd mobs the stage and firehoses are deployed. ]
The Miscellania
The Transcript from Three Full Minutes of Belching and Laughing.Featuring Jason, Spatch, and various Engineers. Plus, guest vocalist Carnie Wilson.
ENGINEER: It's about time you showed up, Carnie, maybe we can get started now.
CARNIE: Hey, bite me, okay.
SPATCH: All right, let's do it. The song we're recording is called "Love Stew" and I wrote it with you in mind. I'd like to thank you once again for doing this song with us.
JASON: Okay, okay, can we do this?
CARNIE: Hey, you guys want some root beer?
JASON: Sure.
SPATCH: Yeah, cool. Thanks.
ENGINEER: Er... guys?
JASON: Oh, shut up, like anyone's gonna buy this record anyway.
ENGINEER: No, I just wondered if we could get some root beer, too.
SPATCH: NO!!!
CARNIE: [belch]
SPATCH: [laugh]
JASON: [laugh, belch, laugh]
SPATCH: [belch, laugh, belch, laugh]
CARNIE: [major belch, cackle]
SPATCH: [laughing mixed with belching]
JASON: [uncontrollable laughing, belch]
[three full minutes of laughing and belching]
SPATCH: Hey! That was a lot better than "Love Stew"!!
JASON: Yeah, no kidding [belch].
CARNIE: Er... I gotta go [belch, cackle]
SPATCH: [belch, laugh]
ENGINEER: Okay, we're out of tape.
SPATCH: That's a keeper!
[more belching and laughing]
The Story of Bruce
Just mention the name to any Bacon Sandwiches fan (if you can find one) and you'll no doubt be choked within strands of your life. This is how most BS fans respond to contact with other human beings. You should see the concerts. But "Bruce" means something extra-special to them (more than even a free burrito, as hard as this may be to believe). And it should mean something special to you. "Bruce" was written in 1981, when founding Sandwiches Spatch and Jason were in a band called Dentyl Wreckyrd. One night, after a few too many, Spatch wrote "Bruce," the subject of which has been hotly debated, and asked Jason to join him for a quick demo to see how it sounded. Well, it sounded good (to four drunken ears, anyway). The two didn't want to play the tape for Oxn Dihard, the lead singer of Wreckyrd, for fear they would be booted from the band, a habit that stemmed from Oxn's ego, which was only rivaled by his hair in terms of immensity. So they kept "Bruce" to themselves for now. Three months later, Wreckyrd broke up.
"Bruce" resurfaced again in 1988, after the Bacon Sandwiches had just completed their summer tour in support of the Squishy Can album. Spatch came upon the tape in his personal vault while he was looking for peanut butter. He decided it was time to record it with a real band, and the Bacon Sandwiches were the next best thing. After hundreds of mixing sessions, Spatch was still unhappy with the sound of the track, and nixed it from the line-up of the This? single, which would now only contain one song. "Bruce" was worked on constantly, but Spatch could not be pleased. It failed to make it onto Heckzapoppin' as well.
Until earlier this year, the thought of "Bruce" ever gracing a shiny disc was completely dismissed. But, in late February, Spatch called Jason at three in the morning (for which he has not yet been forgiven) and told him to get his punk ass to the studio pronto. Once there, the pair re-recorded the song just as they had done the original. "This was the way it was meant to be", Spatch said before he passed out. A video for "Bruce" was also shot using Spatch's Betacam. You should see Jason's cute jammies.
But the big question is: Will fans ever hear this masterpiece, often lauded as "the greatest rock song ever written"? Rumor has it that it may appear on the Sandwiches upcoming album, Cum On Bite the Bacon Sandwiches. But, so far, the album has had several delays and probably will not be finished before the tour ends. Some have said the Sandwiches will perform "Bruce" as the closing number for the Put Down... tour, but most of these people are noted sacks of shit (though not vehement ones, curiously).
Are Jason and Spatch the next Lennon/McCartney. Or are they closer to Lenin/McCarthy?
No one knows, and more importantly, no one cares.
CHANNEL SURFIN' WITH THE BACON SANDWICHES
"The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV"
I have never considered myself much of a television addict until I received a copy of THE BACON SANDWICHES' latest release of cover tunes, The Bacon Sandwiches Watch Too Much TV along with a blank check and a Post-It note reading "LISTEN TO ME". From the first track (a cover of Three's Company) to the last, the Sandwiches show the world once again that musical success is not judged on talent and ability. I sat, enthralled, in front of my sound system, trying to figure out if the Sandwiches had actually taken that technological step forward and recorded in stereo this time (no dice) as all the familiar sights and smells of my favorite television shows came rushing back at me. However, I soon realized that none of my TV faves were on this album (with the exception of Green Acres). To complete the Couch Potato feel this album seems to suggest, I sat down with my remote CD shuffler in my right hand and a can of Rolling Rock in the other and lemme tell you, 33 never tasted better than during a listen to this album.
The Three's Company opening riff demonstrates KAJ GRONER's exceptional ability at plugging in an electric guitar. Next, JASON NAFZINGER and tv's SPATCH show off their talents as they turn the theme to Scooby-Doo (retitled "Scooby Snack Mix") into a techno tour-de-something. The entire band then swings into high as everybody participates (as guest stars?) in the theme to the Love Boat (who's the wise guy screaming out "Dick Van Patten! Angie Dickinson! Waylon Jennings and Madam!" during the opening measures?) but the song really needs more than just loud synthesized strings. However, things mellow out next with a superb a capella rendering of the Hill Street Blues song with new lyrics added by some band member.
However, after this VCR's worth of television delights, we take a radical departure and get the theme to "Shaft". I guess several Sandwiches had watched it on Late-night TV. (I hear it was all Laura's idea.) STEVE HECKMAN kicks out the jams as he lends his control-alto-delbasso voice for the lead vocals while guest artist MATTHEW MACINTYRE wails away on lead capybara. We are next treated to a live recording of Josie & The Pussycats, recorded at "Lollapallooza XVIII" where JASON and KAJ got too excited and crowd-surfed over the security guards while LAURA, dressed in her pussycat outfit, led those who weren't enthralled by the cheesy America Online demos to sing along. (A special encore, half-heard on this track but mostly drowned out by screaming executives features the other theme Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space.)
After a sad attempt at the Quantum Leap theme (which features several band members trying to sing the lead instrument part) newcomer NOAH "FLAPJACK" SMITH does an incredible pots-and-pans solo before launching into the rawest, dirtiest, grungiest version of My Mother, The Car you will ever hear outside of a Neil Young concert. Next, a lilting duet between LAURA and JASON as those lovable Douglas newlyweds on Green Acres. However, LAURA sounds more like Zsa Zsa than Eva on this track, and JASON sounds more like Prince Albert rather than Eddie Albert. Oh well.
Finally we find ourselves at the end of our broadcast day. After KAJ's gospel lead for Maude (with SPATCH and friends randomly screaming "AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE!!!" at various intervals) the band gets down and funky for Sanford and Son and finally, they do an homage (I guess it's supposed to be positive) to the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, in this one they sound more like Frank Black than TV's Frank. I found myself wanting to listen to more even though I was oddly repulsed, but I couldn't because I had to write this review. (And there were no more songs either.)
All in all, though, the Sandwiches come through with another piece of audio salvo. Although the band draws lots to see who plays what instrument for each recording session, they pass themselves off as a second-rate Dead Milkmen (or, if we're really being generous, a first-rate Captain And Tennille) and the overall effect is, well, if you can't watch the shows the next best thing is getting a mediocre band to play the tunes for you. But why didn't they do Batman??
Rating: -501251,12501351025,125012505 - meaning "OK I guess"
Standwick Mushmyer's comments about his up and coming (and bacon book)
All right Gentle Readers, here's another book. Let me say right off the bat that I didn't want to write this book, but I had to toss off one more book to fulfill my contractual obligations with Chavez-D'Allesio press before I moved on to a real publishing house. I was originally going to ghost write the autobiography of Norton Chia, the inventor of the Chia Pet. The book was going to be called, or at least so his dictation suggested, "I'm. . .uh. . . Norton Chia, You will Respect me!" The writing was going all right until he began telling me about the time he was seduced by Tom Bosley. Justifiably skeptical I called Mr. Bosley for verification. He not only categorically denied ever meeting Mr. Chia, but he presented proof that he was on the set of "Happy Days" during the weekend in question and not in a seedy bar in Tasmania a Mr. Chia suggests. The whole book was beginning to smack of libel, so I jumped ship; besides, I don't like to work with sickos.
Anyway, I grabbed to next project available, thinking I could write it in a few weeks. It turned out to be this repulsive debacle you hold in your hands. Unfortunately, writing the story of the incessantly stupid band The Bacon Sandwiches didn't get me very far from sickos, but at least I needn't worry about libel since nobody really cares what Jason, Steve, Spatch, Laura, Ray, Kaj, Jesper and Noah think. I wanted to call the book "The Bacon Sandwiches The Story of a Band that Can Bite Me," but Peter Chavez- D'Allesio wouldn't let me. He can bite me too.
Interestingly enough, and as loathsome as I find admitting it, The Bacon Sandwiches (or B.S., as I like to call them) have a lot to do with success I have enjoyed over the past several months, which is why I'm leaving Chavez-D'Allesio Press, which is why I had to write this book. To quote Thornton Wilder, "that's what you call a vicious circle." The irony is just sickening. I am speaking, of course of the infamous episode of The Whack Flapjack Show from last Spring.
I was appearing on the show, against my better judgment, to promote my book "I Hate Burritos" (now available in paperback from Chavez-D'Allesio Press). Also appearing that night were child star Macaulay Culkin and the Bacon Sandwiches as the alleged musical guest. Culkin was late, so I went on first and Mr. Flapjack, that paragon of the inanity of American culture in the 90's, decided that, since a "literary guest" is always "boring" he would spice up the interview by having a clown come out and taunt me at seemingly random intervals. So I was understandably angry by the time B.S. came out to sing "DOODY DOODY DOODY" as the first stop on their 1994 "Comeback Tour." After screaming "Doody!" into their microphones for an inexorably long time, the band came over to engage in inane chatter with Mr. Flapjack. Their washboard player, Spatch, who some people say looks like me wouldn't leave me alone. I was now ready to drown my troubles in drink, so I took a sip of Spatch's mug which was full of some concoction called TRUE YETI.
I can't remember anything after that, except that I woke up in a dumpster on the OBS lot outside the set of Lifecall The Series. After watching videotapes I learned that I had threatened to shoot Mr. Flapjack with my finger to revenge his treatment of me when I appeared on a game show he used to host called Is it Red? The Clown pushed me down a laundry shoot and general pandemonium broke out. When Culkin finally arrived (he had trouble finding the lot and everyone whom he asked for directions had never heard of OBS), he was "accidentally" decapitated by Kaj Groner, lead moaner of B.S.
The final result was oddly, and rather twistedly, positive for most of the parties involved. Mr. Flapjack's ratings soared, due to the Ed-Ame's- Tomahawk-like-nature of the incident. My books have been selling like hotcakes since then and I've been booked on every major talk show in the nation, including, unfortunately, Mr. Flapjack's show, once a month through 1997. This isn't how I wanted to become famous, but I guess it will do for now.
Young Mr. Culkin received a great deal of sympathy for his situation and became the first person ever to receive the now-common head-reattachment surgery. As I write this, his latest film, Home Alone 5 Lost up your Butt, is number one at the box office.
The only people to come off badly from the incident were the Bacon Sandwiches themselves. Though they did not face criminal charges (harming the star of a John Hughes movie is only a misdemeanor in most states), B.S. received a great deal of negative press as "The band that hurt Kevin," and the release of their latest album was delayed once again. I know that no press is bad press as long as they spell your name right, but more than half of the articles written on the subject referred to the group as either "The Doody Heads" or "Spatch and the Spatchulettes." None the less, the group remembers the evening fondly and their pots and pans player, who didn't appear on the show, has taken to calling himself "Flapjack."
Anyway, here's my book on The Bacon Sandwiches. If you enjoy it, you're not somebody I'd like to meet.
Standwick Mushmeyer
11/2/94
vehement dreaming
Squishy Can came to me in a dream. He said, "If you wanna do the stoopid thing you gotta be stoopid". And I said, "Squishy Can, man, do you get stoopid often?". He just laffs and sez, "Boy, I'M ALWAYS STOOPID!!!". And then he gets on top of the Squishymobile and does the Squishy Jig. All the cops that had gathered at that point were pointless. I went flat and tried to do the same. Squishy just laffed and laff. I was cornfuzed. Was I not Stoopid? Was I beeing 2 smart 4 the Squish man? I says, "Show me the way to be, Squishy Can Man!" ... So he says, "First, you have to take out your brain. Then, stuff in the bacon, capybara, and pledge allegiance to the Spatch." So, "OK" I says, and I take out my brain
NOTE: This appears in the liner notes of the Bacon Sandwiches' next album, "Hippopotamosh", due out soon!
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