Here's the first few scenes from the new movie Pulp Bacon, coming soon to a newsgroup near you.

1.1 DINER INTERIOR - MORNING

An average diner. Folks sitting around, eating breakfast and such. In one booth sits JOEL FURR and a lemur named POOKY. JOEL talks in hushed tones while POOKY just says "frink".

POOKY: Frink!

JOEL: I know you're hesitant, but just hear me out, OK?

POOKY: Frink!!

JOEL: Listen. I don't wanna hurt nobody, you don't wanna hurt nobody, right?

POOKY: Frink! Frink?

JOEL: Well, convenience stores sucked, right? We ask 'em to give us all their grape soda and Siranjul and Mujibar just look at us funny.

POOKY: Frink.

JOEL: Yeah, I think they're overrated, too, but -

POOKY (interrupting): Frink! (like a duck) Frink frink frink frink frink

JOEL (interrupting as well): Shut up! Shut up! My god, you're worse than Canter and Siegel!

POOKY: FRINK!!!!!

JOEL: Ok, ok, so you didn't call me the Great Antichrist or accuse me of having a secret cyber-agenda...

POOKY: Frink.

JOEL: No, I don't like the term "cyber-book-burning" myself either, but they accused Ron Newman of that, not m- Look, can we just stay on the fucking topic?

POOKY: Frink.

JOEL: Apology accepted. Now, remember what happened after we left the convenience store and hit the supermarket?

POOKY: Frink!

JOEL: Yeah, and remember what you did when new customers kept coming in?

POOKY: Frink!

JOEL: That's right! You persuaded them to buy you grape soda, 'cause you're just so cute and precious...

POOKY: Frink! (knocks glass off the table and onto the floor)

JOEL: Oh, my. (calling) Garcon!

POOKY: Frink!! (a WAITRESS walks into the shot)

WAITRESS: Yes, sir?

JOEL: More coffee, please.

WAITRESS: And for your, uh... friend?

POOKY: Frink!

WAITRESS: Gotcha. That's one coffee and ... uh ...

JOEL: Grape sherbert slushie.

POOKY: Frink.

JOEL: With no whipped cream. (WAITRESS leaves)

JOEL: Now, this, this is going to be different. A diner's a whole lot different from convenience stores and supermarkets. I'm sure we'll still be able to get folks to buy you grape soda, but you know what's so cool about diners?

POOKY: Frink?

JOEL: They don't sell grape soda by the bottle here, they sell it by the fuckin' glass...

POOKY (large eyes glazed over): Frink...

JOEL: And there are almost always free refills.

POOKY (orgasmic): Frink!! (grabs a gun)

JOEL: I love you, Pooky.

POOKY: Frink. (they kiss, then rise from the table, brandishing their weapons)

JOEL (calling out): Ok, everybody be cool, this is an act of liberation!

POOKY: FRIIIIIIIIIINK!!

1.2 CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

PULP BACON

MUSIC: "Mirsirlou" as same as another Pulp-y movie. However, halfway through the credit sequence, the music is cut short by radio static, as if someone is trying to find a new station on the dial. Suddenly the radio changes to "Close To You" by the Cerpenters, and the invisible person-doing-the-searching starts to sing/hum along for the remainder of the credit sequence.

2.1 CUT TO - INTERIOR OF LARGE MAROON VAN, MORNING

Inside are two men: FLAPJACK, the driver, and SPATCH, the putter. Both are dressed in black suits and electric blue ties. The Carpenters music plays softly from the radio, and SPATCH is doing the singing/humming.

FLAPJACK: So tell me again about the mouth figurines.

SPATCH: Whaddya wanna know?

FLAPJACK: They're non-toxic, right?

SPATCH: It breaks down like this: It's non-toxic to bite 'em, it's non-toxic to suck 'em, it's non-toxic to hold 'em in your mouth as long as you don't swallow 'em, and - get this - if a cop in the Islets of Langerhans puts 'em in his mouth, it's toxic for him, that's an invulnerability the cops in the Islets of Langerhans don't have.

FLAPJACK: Ooh, I'm going, I've always wanted to see a cop choking on a mouth figurine!

SPATCH: Yeah, man, you'd groove on it the most.

FLAPJACK: Faboo.

SPATCH: Copy, Gold Leader.

FLAPJACK: Like, cool or some junk.

SPATCH: Yeah, it's weird down in the Islets of Langerhans.

FLAPJACK: I heard they're not really islands.

SPATCH: Well, they're not, but the weird thing about 'em is the little differences.

FLAPJACK: Explain.

SPATCH: I mean, you can go to a KFC in the Islets of Langerhans and you can get a chicken, and I don't mean a couple of drumsticks and some wings, I'm talking a live chicken.

FLAPJACK: No shit?

SPATCH: You know what they call a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Breakfast in the Islets of Langerhans?

FLAPJACK: They don't call it a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Breakfast?

SPATCH: Naw, they got the metric system, a rooty is like half a fuckin' mile to 'em or something.

FLAPJACK: So what do they call it?

SPATCH: A Goofy Doofy Whack-A-Roonie Boo Boo Goo Goo Na Na Na Na (rings a little bell) I'm A Big Dork Breakfast Special. (FLAPJACK laughs his ass off.)

FLAPJACK: What do they call a Good Morning Special?

SPATCH: Good Morning Special. Le Good Morning Special.

FLAPJACK: No shit! What do they call a Grand Slam?

SPATCH: I dunno, I didn't go to Denny's.


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